Top O’da season to ya all !! and if you hevent aready noticed, Oim back out heventing.
Acourse Oi didnt want to be but apparently dere was “space on da lorry” so Oi was forced into it. Now ,saying dere is “space on da lorry” when Buddy is already on dere, is loike saying “deres a seat free besoide da local stinker” when ya getting on da bus. Acourse deres a free space besoide dem ! Dey REAK o’piddle and ya can’t understand a word dey are saying. And dats hexactly whoiy Oi am dreading dis Summer. Unless Oi can wrench a shoe off, every toime dat smoke moboile reverses up da droive, dat same space is going to be roight dere, waiting for me. Oim doomed, so Oi am.
But hey ho, off Oi went last weekend and TANK DA LORD, just as Oi was sailing around da cross country looking every inch da “scopey one”, Oi managed ta pull a stop out of da bag ta retain moi place as da hoighest point scorer on da yard. Buddy, on da udder hand, came home wid just his dressage score. WHAT A LOSER !! Dats no way ta get ya saddle reflocked now, is it ?
**blowing me kisses ? You wait til ya realoise what Oim planning at fence 14…**
Anyway, enough about dat… Oive been doing some tinking and its toime Oi used da benefit of moi experience ta help “foirst toime event horses” understand da game. So here is is, moi new guide;
CHESTER EXPLAINS ALL PART 1
So, its ya foirst toime out heventing and youve made it through da square dancing and flimsie fence bashing bits. Here comes da bit where all dose months o’practicing really count. DA
CROSS DA COUNTRY BIT.
Now its important to know dat before ya get started, ya roider will hev left ya in da blazing sunshoine whoilst dey walked da course. Dis is to give dem de advantage of knowing where dey are going. Its loike cheating. Only its all allowed . Acourse some of dem den go onta forget da route and its your job to help dem do just dat. Oi’ll explain how later.
Whoilst dey are away, troiy ta cause as much havoc as ya can so dey remember where dey parked ya. Kicking da lorry, pawing at da floor and screaming ya head off works well.
Oh and make sure ya toime how long dey are gone because its important to make sure ya take
ATLEAST da same length of toime ta get round yaself.; if only at make dem feel better about only hevin da two legs.
Once dey are back, dey will start putting on da survoival gear. Wet wedder gloves, broight lycra “colours” (so da air hambulance can see dem from outer space) , back protectors incase dey take a tumble and hit one of ya hooves on da way through ya hoind legs, an automatic sumo suit incase dey decoide to jump any of da fences widdout ya, and, most importantly, da Magic Stick of “go-an”. Dis is a secret weapon dat ya roider has. Everytoime ya even TINK about not jumping, you will hear dem shout da magic word “go-an” and da Magic Stick will spring inta action. Mark moi words. It stings.
Once they are in da full get up, dey will be getting on ya and heading down to da “collecting ring”. Unloike what Beyonce says, dis is not a ring you can put on it… its a ring that everyone else is troiying to get out of … It will be heaving. Stand ya ground and refuse to give way. People will go round ya, especially if ya put a bit o’red ribbon in ya tail afore ya leave da lorry park. Works everytoime. But dont go crazy wid ribbons or no ones going to take ya seriously…
**loike, oh moi lord !! way too much !!**
SO anyway, when dey call ya number, youre going ta be heading towards da “start box”. Its not really a box, its more of a rail wid a Poine Tree near a hole in da soide. Dis is a place where ya DO want to be. Atleast roight up until da moment when da fella wid da giant stop watch shouts “ten seconds…”. At dis moment ya DONT want ta be anywhere near it. ITS GOING TO EXPLODE. Do all ya can to leave da vicinity. Get yaself and ya roider DA HELL AWAY til he’s got past da word GO. If dere has been no explosion after da word GO, its safe to run straight through and towards fence one.
Ah, sure its almost toime for me ta soign off fa now… but before Oi do… just take a note of da fence immediately to da soide of fence one. Dis is called “da last fence” and ya MUST remember where it is. Oi’ll tell ya whoiy… NEXT TOIME !!