NON-PROPHET CHESTER

So here it is, da start of anudder year and Oim already boiling about da reappearance of da “poachers”.  Dey get everywhere, so dey do.  Da wurst ting about it is dat, not only are dey brazen enough ta turn up in broad dayloight, but dey also rob poor Mum bloind in da process. And since da unfortunate incident when she rammed moi ear wid her eoiyeball, shes only got da one good eoiye ta keep watch wid.

Anyhow, as Oi was saying, POACHERS.  Heres a shameless one, having moi teeth away…

 

 

 

and here’s moi own Dad making off wid moi body hair in da annual “Fur Kinell” winter event.

 

It seems dat if its not tied down, dey’ll hev it.    Acourse dey don’t bodder wid Moilo anymore, dere isn’t a market big enough for da amount of Oivery he’s got growing in his yaptrap. He’s got teeth dat could eat an apple through a grate, sure he has.

Acourse all dis poaching can mean only one ting…its almost heventing toime again.  And wid da whipping away of parts ya needed, comes da floiy tipping of udderparts ya didn’t…  loike a saddle. And a roider.

 

 

 

“and dont expect me to look happy about it eider…”

 

 

 

 

And whats all dis about da New Year diet ??  Moi feed bowl looks loike a curry house’s slop bucket.  Deres more Turmeric and black pepper in dere dan in da whole o’Pakistan. And anudder ting, dis fitness routine is torture.  Da minute Oi stop for a cheeky chew o’da fencing dey are electrocuting me, da heathens ! One minute Oim considering da meaning o’loife and da next minute moi backsoide is coming past me in da opposoite doirection.  Oim all fa getting a fair craic but dats riderculous!

 

 

 

“aargghhh…what da blue blazes !!??”


 

 

 

It wont suproise ya ta hear dat Buddy isn’t suffering da same humiliations.  Oi reckon its on account of him being so ugly dat not even da toide would take him out.  Hardly a day goes boiy when he isnt being praised fa how far hes come. Well its a shame he didnt keep on going !!  Oi always thought Hamerica was da land o’opportunity but dey clearly couldn’t foind one fa Buddy.

Oive also worked out dat he’s also one of dem religious freaks.  He’s eider a Yawn Again Christian or one of dem Hamerican Morons.  Ya cant hev a minute o’conversation widdout him bringing da good Lord into it.  “Jeez, this is GREAT” or “WOW, would ya look at da wonderful day  God has sent us” .  Now Oim a good Catholic fella meself but he’s just taking it too far.  Just the udder noight Oi was setting up for an early evening shoite, just after finishing me tea and before Dad came back wid da empty wheelbarrow,  when Buddy poiped up “lets all take a moment and give thanks to the Lord for our many blessings”… What could Oi do ? Da toiming was just unfortunate.  God knows Oi troiyed ta nip it back. Anyone else would hev turned a bloind eoiye, but, oh, not Buddy…he has to go and shout it out incase God missed it for hisself.. “God heard you, Chester”.  Holy Mary, how was Oi ta know it would make a noise ?  Sure, God farts too, except He covers it up wid thunder, so He does.

Oi tell ya, if Oi get ta heaven and its full o’Buddies, Oim leaving.  Oive decoided dat da best ting ta do is not ta be good at all.  Sure, Oi’d radder go ta hell and risk foinding Moilo already dere.   And dats saying someting !

 

 

looks at him, wearing his rug over his head. Definately more Burk dan Burka…

 

 

 

And so dat’ll be whoiy Oi pulled out o’ Keysoe last weekend.  Da minute Oi saw him getting ready ta go out, Oi feigned a tick dat medical science has yet ta diagnose.  Dad said no way was he troiying to roide “dat” in front of da judge…and wid dat, he pulled out faster dan a DJ in a Police raid.  Acourse Oi payed a TERRIBLE proice…

“ not only did Buddy swan past in moi travel boots but he also went Commando under moi best rug.. da filthy beast !”

 

 

Roight, dats it fa now…   Oi need ta start looking busy… apparantly Jesus is coming.

See ya next toime

 

Chester x

 

This months column was supported by;

Coltsfoot Equestrian (www.coltsfootequestrian.co.uk)

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