Since Oi last wrote to ya, tings hev gone HORRIBLY wrong. Foirstly Oi hed to share a lift wid Buddy over ta Heely Eventing Centre for anudder days heventing. And would ya believe it, Oi only ended up 8th !! TANK DA LORD dey only placed ta 6th !! Buddy on da udderhand was a maniac. Oi troiyed moi hardest to look disinterested as Dad swept da ashes of his last remaining hopes off his breeks.

Picture kindly supplied by top-stalker Mica Huseyin-Sharp
Picture kindly supplied by top-stalker Mica Huseyin-Sharp

Whereas Buddy put in da “halt of a loifetoime” to score so badly dat da judge hed ta be airlifted to da nut house to have her moind woiped straight after his test. Full marks fa Dads salute though…


And whoile Oi was still reeling from less dan 100 points at Heely, imagine moi horror when dey told me Oi hed qualifoid for some koind o’championship for Retrained Race Horses ? Retrained Oi ask ya ? NOT ON MOI NELLY !! Da only silver loining is dat its not til NEXT year so Oi hev a whole 12 months ta chew off moi own foot just ta get out of it. ESPECIALLY as Buddy Peepants went out da very next weekend and qualifoid for d’exact same ting. All Oi can say is dat dey must hev lowered deyre standards in dem 7 days if dey consider HIM Championship material !

… and ya know dat saying “it doesnt rain but it pours” well it, clouded up and crapped all over me when da mystery lameness Oi needed fa Heely arroived TREE DAYS LATE. And as if ta rub salt in da wound, Oi hed ta spend anudder TREE DAYS IN MOI BOX til da “danger” passed. Oi was fuming, so Oi was. And not only on account o’being in moi box, but because Moilo was in MOI PADDOCK. And not only was he eating moi grass, he was also scratching his arse in MOI shelter and rinsing his dentures in MOI bucket. Da filthy tramp.
….AND DEN… as if tings couldnt get anyworse, dat lucky son of a gun Buddy only managed ta cut his kankle open and got a WHOLE WEEK in his box wid MOI LIKIT whoilst me and Moilo were out in da bleachers, sweating our socks off in da hottest heat wave since da Devoil set foire to his own undercrackers.

***Oh and yes, Buddy was in stitches alroight…da jammy auld goat***

But anyway, Oive gone off at a tangent dere somewhat so lets get back to it. Now, where was Oi.. oh yes….

So, da last toime Oi wrote ta ya all, Oi said ta make a special note of “da last fence” as you was leaving da start box on da way down ta fence 1. Oi’ll explains whoiy in a minute.
Now British Eventing is a wonderful ting and dey loike ta make sure ya gets value fa money. Dey give ya lots o’choices as ta how youre going ta make full use of da points system and in particular when it comes ta “stops”. “Whats a stop ??” ya moight be asking. Ho ho ho.. dats a green question so it is..
Now here’s Buddy demonstrating a stop. Notice how he has lowered his head, invoiting Dad to go foirst.. dats manners for ya, sure it is.

** after you!**
** after you!**

Wid BE ya gets da choice o’looking at one fence up ta tree toimes which is called da “no, hes definitely not going ta jump” rule….OR …. you can stop and look at up ta 4 different fences and dis one is called da cumula, cumulatat, cumulation…. ah Jayzus…. its called da “how da hell many stops has he had now ?” rule.
Dis one’s easy enough ta remember, even if ya cant count, because its da same number o’stops as youve got hooves. And if ya still not sure, you can tell which stop youre at boiy da number o’smacks you get from da Magic Stick. Foirst stop; ONE SMACK on da shoulder . Second stop; Two SMACKS on da bummox. Turd stop on course; TREE smacks anywhere dey can reach (dey will be exhausted boiy now); FOUR STOPS…… nuttin but soilence… all da way home.
Now earlier on Oi told ya ta hev a good look at da last fence as you was leaping soideways out of da start box and dats for a VERY good reason. Remember dat da roide is never over until youve gone between da red and whoite flags at da very end. If ya hevent managed to get heliminated on da way round, da last fence is where you should spring ya ambush. Pick from stopping dead roight on top of da foinal fence and refusing ta get back down; stopping dead a country moile away and refusing ta take anudder step closer; or sneaking roight past it and refusing ta return for fear of ya loife. Dis is, afterall, ya last chance o’glory. And dats whoiy failing ta take note of where da last fence is could lead ta disappointment and da chance o’having ta go out again da next weekend. Which is far worse.
Here’s me showing how ta take full advantage o’ da last fence rule. Oi didnt reckon on Dad carrying on widdout me but, ya cant take it away from him, he’s a game fella, sure he is. He tanked me later. Much later. Loike maybe years later. But he tanked me never da less.

found it
** found it !!**

Anyhow, how are we doing ? Oi tink Oive covered everything ya needs to know about roiding Across Country. Just remember, ALWAYS let ya roider go foirst. Its only good manners, so it is.

Until next toime,

keeeeeeep prancing

Chester xx

Chester is kindlysponsored by Coltsfoot Equestrian

This months Column is supported by;

Bleau Photography ( )

Equifeast ( )

Bespoke Browbands ( )

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